It is my opinion that beyond our very basic needs for food, water, shelter, etc our greatest want and need as humans is to feel connected to and a valuable part of a greater whole. Some people get this from a marriage or children or other family relationships. Some people get it from church or AA or other organizations. Some people get it from work or even a hobby. From what I know of you it seems that you may get it most in your travels, meeting new people and connecting with them as well as sharing with them. Of course it is not an all or nothing thing and many of us get some of it from lots of places. At the same time we are generally drawn to the place we get it the most.
So then why India? I have never been to India although I have met and known at least a few from India who have come to the US to live and I have had somewhat of a ringside seat through your emails and then blogs as you travel and meet and connect with others on your travels. Anyway, it seems to me that maybe the people of India that you meet and connect well with have a certain humility and gratitude not as easily found other places. This humility and easy gratitude are obviously very spiritual traits and generally allow for deeper or more full connections with others such as yourself.
To go more deeply I think that most relationships in families, marriage, work, AA, church, etc involve at some level some degree of hostage taking or blackmail.* At the very least they require compromises and trade-offs. Many people seem to get comfortable with this and it does not hamper their ability to feel connected and valuable to the greater unit. And maybe in a certain perverse way it transiently enhances this feeling of connection and valuableness, if the person has a position of power in the unit and gets to set the terms of the hostage taking or blackmail. Here I would note that I think that often what we call or equate to mental health is the ability to go along with this system and “fit in” or feel good or OK about it.
However, for some people (maybe such as yourself and certainly myself) with our own inherent tendencies and past experiences (especially in childhood) we cannot become comfortable with the trade-offs (to put it nicely) or subtle blackmail and hostage taking (to probably put it more accurately). This is called in some way a lack of mental health because it rocks the boat and is uncomfortable for everyone, even if what we refuse to become comfortable with or accept is itself subtlely manipulative and not necessarily an ideal or great system. And of course it often does cross a line into an overt lack of mental health where we can be very harmful to ourselves and others.
Part of what I am saying though is that what is referred to as a lack of mental health is often seeing or feeling things more clearly than others and then not being willing to continue to go along with the status quo. You had a blog post not too long ago that I am reminded of regarding I think something similar when you said sometimes you feel bad for all those people with out mental health issues. Personally I think you were onto something. I think most people satisfy themselves with the decent and do not generally get to see the spectacular that we sometimes get to see and feel. Of course they also often miss the lows and probably more importantly do not require the constant vigilance to avoid great danger.
Anyway it seems to me the best answer involves 2 things
(1) Doing the slow, tedious, and hard work of addressing and improving our existing relationships. In my case this might be slowly and consistently addressing the areas of my relationships with my wife, kids, parents, brothers, etc, that prevent me from feeling connected to and a valuable part of the greater family unit. This always starts with internal work, such as inventory, prayer, mediation (a lot of meditation for me) and then at some point generally requires directly addressing areas with the other person. It seems to me a lot of people try to skip that last part. That is unfortunate because it is in directly addressing it (in hopefully a humble and calm manner after a lot of internal work) that the new or different connection can begin to form and be built upon, which is really the ultimate goal whether we realize it or not.
Essentially, here I guess I am trying to reduce or remove the parts of the relationship that feel like the hostage taking and blackmail I mentioned earlier. Many might think I am paranoid or seeing things that are not really there, but if I am honest with myself I realize that I have often done this hostage taking and blackmail myself. In fact that used to be most of what I did in relationships. In many ways I was fairly good to those around me, but when I am honest with myself I realize a big reason I was good to others was to at least potentially hold it against them to get what I thought I wanted or needed.
Of course the fact that I do this some now and unfortunately used to base my few relationships on it does not mean others also do so. However, my experience with others makes me believe it is very common, especially in familial relationships. My biggest reason for thinking it is so common or pretty much the default situation is that people get so defensive and emotional when even something fairly minor is directly addressed, as I am saying is part of the key to moving to healthy fulfilling relationships. I also think it goes a long way towards explaining the very few truly happy and fulfilling relationships there seem to be, especially between couples. Instead it has a tendency to set up a covert (it certainly cannot be spoken or admitted or even seen for that matter) contentiousness in a relationship where each party is keeping track of what they bring to it to potentially hold against the other.
One caveat to all this though it that who am I to say that is not how it is supposed to be. It may not be how I would like things to be, and I definitely try to choose to live differently, but if I look at human history for a few thousand years or maybe even a million years this basic dynamic has probably served humans fairly well. And it has probably only been in the last 100-200 years where there has been any real choice. Before this there was no way to choose your own relationships. You were stuck with your own family, normally even when considering what you did vocationally. It is my opinion that we evolved from this type of system (no choice) and some of our current problems are related to being stuck with these tendencies even though they may no longer be consistent with our current needs and circumstances.
(2) I think the second part of the solution is to seek out new relationships that do not require the slow, tedious, and hard work to remove things that block a connection, but rather can often start from a healthier place and hopefully with some continual care (generally the same internal work and directly addressing problem areas) can remain fulfilling.
Part of your thirst for traveling may also be that traveling encourages you (or maybe even forces you) to be in the now or present, where life actually happens and connections are made. For “thinkers” like us (as you called us) with at least some tendencies towards mental instability, being pushed towards living-in-the-now can be very beneficial. Since spending too much time in the high country of the mind can be a dangerous thing, and if we are not involved in things that push us towards living in the now, it takes constant discipline to try to get to the now and stay there.
I think along these lines my best gauge for my current spiritual fitness is how well I can be present and enjoy my kids. If they are mostly an irritation my spiritual fitness and ability to live in the now is poor. Whereas if I can really enjoy them and even their quirks and borderline bad behavior and hopefully join in with them for some goofiness then I know my spiritual condition and ability to live in the now or present is in good shape. This takes discipline for me to try to get to this and stay there, but fortunately when I become irritated with my kids I often realize it is time to simplify and prioritize in order to allow myself to become present. Nothing is more harmful or snowballs more quickly on me in a bad way than being irritated with my kids and not being willing or able to pull myself out of it.
*Many will likely object to my characterizing the give and take of relationships as manipulative learned behaviors. However, if you expect someone else to act a certain way in response to how you act, then your act is at least somewhat manipulative. It may be more of a loan than a gift. There really is nothing wrong with this and much of humanity’s success is at least partially built upon it. Most people though do not want to admit this is what is behind their own or other people actions. They would much rather believe a fairy tale version of what is behind their and others’ actions.
I am not saying that all actions are manipulative, but much more are than people generally recognize. The best way to know if one of my actions is manipulative, especially my generous ones, is to consider the degree to which I expect others to act a certain way in response to my actions.
Finally before leaving this topic for the time being I want to reiterate that I am not saying I should avoid any behavior where I expect others to act a certain way in return at some point (manipulative behavior). It is very helpful though to understand what I am doing and have increasing honesty about it, as opposed to dressing it up to look like something better than it is.
I should be as selfless and truly generous as possible. Additionally, I would be wise to hang out with people who are somewhat selfless and generous and trying to be increasingly so. I would also be wise to hang around people who are willing to honestly and with specificity look at and admit where they are less than this ideal. It generally is only from this candid place that the so called win-win can occur and two people (whether spouses or friends) become greater than the sum of their parts. This place of humility is often also where we feel the connection to another that we so desperately seek, which I believe is a piece of God’s presence.
