I needed to be free to follow whatever I found deep within myself and share that with others, whether that was consistent or inconsistent with accepted doctrine for a particular denomination or religion. Time spent trying to fit myself into any particular beliefs was rejecting the best evidence I had of what God had made and was, which was me and my connections to him. Time spent trying to get others to adopt my views or beliefs was rejecting that sacred place in them where those beliefs reside, as well as in a round about way the same place within me. Most people never do the wide open search because they are deathly afraid of what they will find out, basically that they are just rotten at the core or that God is not really a God of love or because it threatens their important relationships. The first 2 are never true, unless the person is unable to continue and has to turn back. The 3rd can be, and it is almost impossible without some support and friends who you feel will be with you no matter what you find.
*Of course the main reason that this deep visceral belief, that I would keep screwing up and hurting those I cared about, was true was because I had the visceral belief in the first place. I had seemingly always had it and desperately tried all sorts of things to get rid of it or suppress it. To get rid of it I had most commonly tried worldly success and material things, but also religions, therapy, etc. To suppress it I had tried alcohol, drugs, food, diet, exercise, and various distraction techniques.
Often these things did a good enough job that the visceral belief and associated feelings were primarily just a nagging emptiness and unease, that kept me a little depressed and constantly some degree of overwhelmed. However, at times of perceived failure, whether real or not and whether major or not, the visceral belief and associated feelings would become completely overwhelming and cripple-ling, basically major depression.